Regulators! Mount up 🐎

Author

Damon Brown
April 03, 2024

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Hi reader,

How do you regulate yourself? Or, more to the point, others?

“Regulating” has become a much more common verb (well after Warren Griffin III’s contribution to the lexicon).

I’ve heard it two ways a lot recently:

Self-regulating 💆🏾‍♀️

and

over-regulating 🐙

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Self-regulating, from my viewpoint, is the ability to manage your own emotional reactions and reinforce boundaries as necessary.

If you have a big emotion brewing, but you know the time to express it isn’t at this moment, then that’s a form of self regulation. Knowing ways to sooth yourself when you’re under stress or anxiety is a form of self regulation. It is having the tools to take care of oneself in some way.

From my understanding, most of these tools are built during childhood. For instance, empathy and intimacy from a guardian growing up can teach you how to be empathetic and intimate with yourself. It’s as if we mirror our internal worth based on how it is reflected through others.

So many coaching sessions come back to what we were taught when we didn’t even realize we were taking in a lesson. It is unlearning as much as learning.

Over-regulating is the urge to manage and control the emotions of others beyond the boundaries of self.

If your loved one is having a tough time, but you jump in before they can even create a reasonable solution, then that’s a form of over-regulating. Just knowing you can take up a little extra emotional labor to help keep the peace. It is overusing your tools to handle other people’s burdens.

Oof, I struggle with this one. And I’m a business coach!

I know some of this because of personal work and reflection, but that’s not the full truth. I really know this because I have honest people in my life who have shared as such.

The loved one who tells you the truth? I’ve got a bunch of them - and they are worth their weight in gold 🌟

Honestly, we can over-regulate because we don’t want to see others struggle. But without the struggle, they can’t actually grow in ways that can save them pain in the future.

We disable them for our own comfort.

The secret is to let them fail. Allow them to fall. Make room for their discomfort.

If you didn’t catch it, they are two sides of the same coin: The stronger we are in self-regulation, the less likely we are to engage in over-regulation. We stop looking for security without and instead build it within.

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🙋🏾 I’m Damon! (http://www.damonbrown.net) I help side hustlers, solopreneurs & others like yourself bloom. As a bestselling author, 2x startup founder & 4x TEDTalker, I co-founded the popular connection app Cuddlr and led it to acquisition within a year while being a stay at home dad with his infant son.

🫱🏼‍🫲🏿 Today, my boutique coaching business Bring Your Worth supports hundreds through one-on-one virtual and in-person support, as well as behind-the-scenes services for TED, HEROIC, and other impactful organizations. You can catch this free weekly newsletter as well as the 18,000-subscriber strong television show BringYourWorth.tv.

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